Today....

Today was supposed to be the day we'd been waiting on. The offical end of the horrid two week wait. The day I was again supposed to pee on that tiny stick, wait my three minutes, and then catch a glimpse of the amazing site of 2 little blue lines. The day I was supposed to cry and tell my hubby "we're pregnant!" The day I was supposed to fall to my knees in praises for answered prayers. The day I got to tell my Hannah that Jesus had heard her prayers for a baby brother or sister and soon she would be a big sister. The day I was supposed to run to my moms, stick in hand, just so she could get a look at that amazing little stick that was set to change our life. This was supposed to be THE DAY. THE DAY EVERYTHING CHANGED!! Well, it isn't. My period started last night. :(

So, what's today now? Today is the day I wake up way to0 early, from a sleep I cried myself into. Today is the day that tears come unexpectedly, and are unable to be stopped. Today is the day that I try my very best to hide my brokeness from those around me. Today's the day that I force myself to put on the face of "faith" when my heart is screaming something else. Today is the day I search for some kind of answers, rationalization, and peace....but they don't easily come. Today is the day that this whole mess starts over again. Another month of roller coaster emotions begins today. Today is the day that I'm out of words to pray. The only thing left are the groanings of my heart and the ability to whisper the name Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....Today is the day that I log on to Facebook and see the status update of three friends announcing their good news and while I want so badly to be happy for them, I can't! I just can't. Today is the day of many questions, and no answers. Today is the day I'll have to tell my husband that this month wasn't our month. Today is that day.....and I don't wanna face it!

So, what do I do now (other than sit here, type, and cry)? I do what I've done 31 cycles before. I throw myself a massive pity party, and attend it alone. I cry, and pray, and whine, and eat (and eat, and Eat, and EAT.....you get the picture), then throw up, I get mad, I say things I shouldn't, I fear our dreams will never come true, I pray some more, eat some more, do my best to hide all this from Greg and Hannah, and then.....I wash my face, call in prescriptions for this months hormones, take ibuprofen (it's safe cause I'm not pregnant) for the massive headache I've given myself, wash a load of laundry, fix breakfast for my family, attend Hannah's ballgame, and attempt to enjoy a much needed day with my little family. I'll do it all, someway, somehow, and with tiny glimpses of praise in my heart. You see, in the end, my God is good. I know there's a plan a purpose behind this season of my life. He's using it somehow....He's using me somehow...I just can't see it through the tears. So today starts cycle day #1. Here we go again