Or is it just a train!? Okay, so as I sit here I am smack in the middle of 6 nights at WRMC. Yep, you read that right. I am currently on the downhill slide of night #4. I don't want to mince words here....let me be very clear....THIS SUCKS!! I am EXHAUSTED. Not only that, but I'm mad. Wanna know why? I'm mad because I am so tired that all I want to do is sleep. I'm mad because my house is a wreck because for the last 5 days all I've done is sleep, and go to work. I'm literally about 8 loads of laundry behind. I feel like I haven't seen my Hannah is forever and my hubby in even longer than that. I'm mad because for the first time in a long time, I have FUN plans for this weekend, but my conscience is getting to me. "Breanna, are you really going to go to WinterJam when your house is in such shambles?" "Breanna, are you really even tossing around the idea of having people over to your house for the Superbowl, when you're pretty sure that there are bowls of unidentifiable foods growing mold in your refrigerator?"
YEP!! I sure am!!
You wanna know why? Because I am tired of letting life and all the good stuff that goes with it pass me by. When I was driving to work tonight, I started thinking about the fact that my baby is 6 years old! DID YOU HEAR THAT?? 6 YEARS OLD! I've been blessed to be her mommy for 6 wonderful years.....6 years that have literally flown by. F-L-O-W-N-B-Y!!! I'm never going to get those days back. All the snuggles, and stories, and laughs, and highs, and lows, and all things in between...they are just memories now. I can't change them, anymore that I can change all the wasted moments. So, where am I going with this....each moment we're given is a blessing. A chance to make a memory. Will it really hurt anything if those dishes in the sink don't get done because you're playing candyland with your daughter. Or, so what if the shower could use a good scrubbing, but your spending precious moment just "catching up", cuddled under the covers with the one you love!! None, of that stuff matters. Now, don't get me wrong....I'm not an advocate for nastiness, but I am most certainly an advocate for taking advantage of the time the Lord gives you. A very wise friend of mine has coined the term, "what's it going to matter in a hundred years anyway?" You know, he's right. Some of the things that we make "priorities" aren't worth worrying about. When you're 85 and looking back on your life are you going to lament all the dirty dishes, or laundry that got backed up? Nope, you'll regret the moments that you wasted, that you could have used to make beautiful memories.
So, WinterJam here I come....and Go Patriots (even if I'm wearing dirty socks, and growing my own penicillin!!). That light I see, may be a train...but I headed towards it, full speed ahead, with no hesitation! :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
8 hours...
You would think that I'd be used to shipping my husband off for days or weeks at a time. Truth is, in a weird way, I am. Don't take that the wrong way. I hate it! But, I spend the days and weeks before preparing myself (heart and mind) for what I'll have to face alone. By the time the day comes, I'm ready for it. Greg's been gone for the last week to a supervisor's class at The North Carolina Justice Academy in Salemburg, NC. For some reason, this week was harder on Hannah than any we've faced yet. She's cried a lot. Cried for her daddy, cried herself to sleep, and cried even when she didn't know why she was crying. That's hard for a mommy. To top it all off, we just teased her with her daddy last night :/
Greg got home from Salemburg about 9:30 last night (after her normal bedtime, but I made an allowance). It was great to have him home, but he was set to leave for another 4 days with the NCARNG at 5:30am this morning. That gave us 8 hours!! Just 8 hours to make up for a lost week, to mend little broken hearts, and to prepare those same hearts for a long weekend without daddy. I didn't know how it would happen, or what we would do to try to make the best of the time we had, while still making sure that we slept :/ We did the only thing we knew how to do. We threw our PJs on, all crawled in Hannah's bed along with yellow blankie, a happy napper, and 2 pillow pets, said our prayers, and fell asleep in eachothers arms. That's how you make the best of 8 hours, when thats all you have!!
So, Greg's off on another "adventure" again, and Hannah and I are left at home. Unfortunately I work 6 out of the next 7 nights starting tonight! :/ I told my charge nurse that she must have misunderstood me when I said I was willing to work "OVERtime". I think she thought I said I would work "ALL THE TIME"! Big difference! By the time my next set of days off rolls around, I'll be exhausted. Too bad! Thats a big weekend! WinterJam on Saturday and The Super Bowl on Sunday (Go Patriots!!). I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead!
Greg got home from Salemburg about 9:30 last night (after her normal bedtime, but I made an allowance). It was great to have him home, but he was set to leave for another 4 days with the NCARNG at 5:30am this morning. That gave us 8 hours!! Just 8 hours to make up for a lost week, to mend little broken hearts, and to prepare those same hearts for a long weekend without daddy. I didn't know how it would happen, or what we would do to try to make the best of the time we had, while still making sure that we slept :/ We did the only thing we knew how to do. We threw our PJs on, all crawled in Hannah's bed along with yellow blankie, a happy napper, and 2 pillow pets, said our prayers, and fell asleep in eachothers arms. That's how you make the best of 8 hours, when thats all you have!!
So, Greg's off on another "adventure" again, and Hannah and I are left at home. Unfortunately I work 6 out of the next 7 nights starting tonight! :/ I told my charge nurse that she must have misunderstood me when I said I was willing to work "OVERtime". I think she thought I said I would work "ALL THE TIME"! Big difference! By the time my next set of days off rolls around, I'll be exhausted. Too bad! Thats a big weekend! WinterJam on Saturday and The Super Bowl on Sunday (Go Patriots!!). I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead!
Monday, January 23, 2012
If I didn't have bad luck....
I would have no luck at all!!! Atleast that's the way I've been feeling lately. Don't me wrong!! I see this last week for what it is. A (poor) attempt by Satan to get my focus of my relationship with the Lord. Ha....that old Devil has some nice tricks up his sleeve, but ya know what...my Jesus said "I have OVERCOME" and through Him, so can I. The junk thrown my way the last week, is just that....JUNK.
In the last week we've faced another fertility let down, I wrecked my truck, Greg had to go out of town for a week, and to top it all off this morning I did a number on my back at work. As bad as it hurt, I just had to laugh at it. For a brief moment I wanted to thrown in the towel, but you know what....I didn't!! I took a deep breath, giggled a little, and recognized it for what it was!! Listen Devil....incase you haven't read the last chapters....YOU LOSE!! If God is for me, who can be against me?? NEWS FLASH....NOT YOU!
On another note. The Giants and the Patriots are headed to the Superbowl!! That is shaping up to be a pretty awesome weekend. WinterJam Saturday night followed by the Superbowl Sunday! I'll admit....I'm excited. Good fun, and good friends. Just what a girl needs!
So, I'm back to work tonight and then off for a couple. I'm excited. Some quality time with just me and my Hannah, plus we get to go to church on Wednesday night for the first time in FOREVER!!! I miss that mid-week pick me up and even more than that, I miss having Hannah active with the children's choir. One of the blessing that will come out of Greg's upcoming deplyoment is I'll be working only Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Freeing up all my Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings so Hannah and I can be active and worship together. You see....even things that aren't so great can hold little blessings from the Lord!
In the last week we've faced another fertility let down, I wrecked my truck, Greg had to go out of town for a week, and to top it all off this morning I did a number on my back at work. As bad as it hurt, I just had to laugh at it. For a brief moment I wanted to thrown in the towel, but you know what....I didn't!! I took a deep breath, giggled a little, and recognized it for what it was!! Listen Devil....incase you haven't read the last chapters....YOU LOSE!! If God is for me, who can be against me?? NEWS FLASH....NOT YOU!
On another note. The Giants and the Patriots are headed to the Superbowl!! That is shaping up to be a pretty awesome weekend. WinterJam Saturday night followed by the Superbowl Sunday! I'll admit....I'm excited. Good fun, and good friends. Just what a girl needs!
So, I'm back to work tonight and then off for a couple. I'm excited. Some quality time with just me and my Hannah, plus we get to go to church on Wednesday night for the first time in FOREVER!!! I miss that mid-week pick me up and even more than that, I miss having Hannah active with the children's choir. One of the blessing that will come out of Greg's upcoming deplyoment is I'll be working only Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Freeing up all my Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings so Hannah and I can be active and worship together. You see....even things that aren't so great can hold little blessings from the Lord!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Today....
Today was supposed to be the day we'd been waiting on. The offical end of the horrid two week wait. The day I was again supposed to pee on that tiny stick, wait my three minutes, and then catch a glimpse of the amazing site of 2 little blue lines. The day I was supposed to cry and tell my hubby "we're pregnant!" The day I was supposed to fall to my knees in praises for answered prayers. The day I got to tell my Hannah that Jesus had heard her prayers for a baby brother or sister and soon she would be a big sister. The day I was supposed to run to my moms, stick in hand, just so she could get a look at that amazing little stick that was set to change our life. This was supposed to be THE DAY. THE DAY EVERYTHING CHANGED!! Well, it isn't. My period started last night. :(
So, what's today now? Today is the day I wake up way to0 early, from a sleep I cried myself into. Today is the day that tears come unexpectedly, and are unable to be stopped. Today is the day that I try my very best to hide my brokeness from those around me. Today's the day that I force myself to put on the face of "faith" when my heart is screaming something else. Today is the day I search for some kind of answers, rationalization, and peace....but they don't easily come. Today is the day that this whole mess starts over again. Another month of roller coaster emotions begins today. Today is the day that I'm out of words to pray. The only thing left are the groanings of my heart and the ability to whisper the name Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....Today is the day that I log on to Facebook and see the status update of three friends announcing their good news and while I want so badly to be happy for them, I can't! I just can't. Today is the day of many questions, and no answers. Today is the day I'll have to tell my husband that this month wasn't our month. Today is that day.....and I don't wanna face it!
So, what do I do now (other than sit here, type, and cry)? I do what I've done 31 cycles before. I throw myself a massive pity party, and attend it alone. I cry, and pray, and whine, and eat (and eat, and Eat, and EAT.....you get the picture), then throw up, I get mad, I say things I shouldn't, I fear our dreams will never come true, I pray some more, eat some more, do my best to hide all this from Greg and Hannah, and then.....I wash my face, call in prescriptions for this months hormones, take ibuprofen (it's safe cause I'm not pregnant) for the massive headache I've given myself, wash a load of laundry, fix breakfast for my family, attend Hannah's ballgame, and attempt to enjoy a much needed day with my little family. I'll do it all, someway, somehow, and with tiny glimpses of praise in my heart. You see, in the end, my God is good. I know there's a plan a purpose behind this season of my life. He's using it somehow....He's using me somehow...I just can't see it through the tears. So today starts cycle day #1. Here we go again
So, what's today now? Today is the day I wake up way to0 early, from a sleep I cried myself into. Today is the day that tears come unexpectedly, and are unable to be stopped. Today is the day that I try my very best to hide my brokeness from those around me. Today's the day that I force myself to put on the face of "faith" when my heart is screaming something else. Today is the day I search for some kind of answers, rationalization, and peace....but they don't easily come. Today is the day that this whole mess starts over again. Another month of roller coaster emotions begins today. Today is the day that I'm out of words to pray. The only thing left are the groanings of my heart and the ability to whisper the name Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....Today is the day that I log on to Facebook and see the status update of three friends announcing their good news and while I want so badly to be happy for them, I can't! I just can't. Today is the day of many questions, and no answers. Today is the day I'll have to tell my husband that this month wasn't our month. Today is that day.....and I don't wanna face it!
So, what do I do now (other than sit here, type, and cry)? I do what I've done 31 cycles before. I throw myself a massive pity party, and attend it alone. I cry, and pray, and whine, and eat (and eat, and Eat, and EAT.....you get the picture), then throw up, I get mad, I say things I shouldn't, I fear our dreams will never come true, I pray some more, eat some more, do my best to hide all this from Greg and Hannah, and then.....I wash my face, call in prescriptions for this months hormones, take ibuprofen (it's safe cause I'm not pregnant) for the massive headache I've given myself, wash a load of laundry, fix breakfast for my family, attend Hannah's ballgame, and attempt to enjoy a much needed day with my little family. I'll do it all, someway, somehow, and with tiny glimpses of praise in my heart. You see, in the end, my God is good. I know there's a plan a purpose behind this season of my life. He's using it somehow....He's using me somehow...I just can't see it through the tears. So today starts cycle day #1. Here we go again
Monday, January 16, 2012
Catching up a little! :)
It's been a while since I was here, so I guess it's time to catch up a little bit. So, as detailed in my last post, I had my fallopian tube catheterization on Jan 4th. After that we were set to do the "baby dance" which we did. We did our first "unblocked" round of IUI on Saturday. All of the numbers looked good. I had 3 follicles. 19cm, 23 cm, and 11cm with the largest being on the right side. My endometrium was perfect, and Greg's specimen had 42,000 good sperm. The odds seemed in our favor. The procedure went well, no real issues, and it was no more uncomfortable than a pap smear (which compared to what I've experience lately, is a breeze). Dr. Yalcinkaya said for us to "baby dance" the following day, and we can take our pregnancy test on Saturday, Jan 21st. That started the dreaded two week wait!!!
The TWW is HORRIBLE. Well, at least it is for me. There are so many questions, and my hopes are so high! I start allowing myself to think of baby names, and look at maternity clothes. I calculate due dates and what that would mean in comparison with Greg's upcoming deployment. I literally live the entire 2 weeks on pins and needles. Praying, praying, and praying non-stop that this is FINALLY the month that we get good news, and praying that if it's not I can somehow manage to brave my way through another disappointment. It's Monday, Jan 16th now. 5 more days until I test. Maybe I can stay sane until then....I'm hoping for the best ;)
Lets see, what else....Report card day!!! I've always thought that Hannah was smart. She's been bragged on numerous times, and at our last parent teacher conference she was right on target. Somehow over the last semester there has been a big disconnect. She went from "right on target" to "lagging behind"! NOPE!! Not acceptable. Now, I'm not one of those parents that's going to demand perfection, but I know she can do better. My guess is that she's sensing some of the stresses that are going on in her dad and my life, and they are affecting her school work. I asked her about test day, and she said "I just forgot my words". We have gone over them 100s of times since and she gets them (all except confusing want and went) every time. I'm choosing to pick it up a notch from my end, and see what the next semester brings. I feel confident that we can catch up!
In a feeble attempt to get my mind of the TWW, and to take my friend Lauren out to celebrate her upcoming wedding, I planned a ladies night out with some of my awesome co-workers. We headed to Greensboro to The Melting Pot, Friday night and it was AWESOME!!! 3 hours of non-stop fondueing (I don't think that's a real word) and fun with some of my very favorite people. It was amazing. For a moment, the TWW wasn't consuming me. Too bad I can't fondue my way into next weekend...lol.
I guess that's about it for now. Hopefully the next time I write it will be to announce that we're finally preggo! Fingers crossed!!
The TWW is HORRIBLE. Well, at least it is for me. There are so many questions, and my hopes are so high! I start allowing myself to think of baby names, and look at maternity clothes. I calculate due dates and what that would mean in comparison with Greg's upcoming deployment. I literally live the entire 2 weeks on pins and needles. Praying, praying, and praying non-stop that this is FINALLY the month that we get good news, and praying that if it's not I can somehow manage to brave my way through another disappointment. It's Monday, Jan 16th now. 5 more days until I test. Maybe I can stay sane until then....I'm hoping for the best ;)
Lets see, what else....Report card day!!! I've always thought that Hannah was smart. She's been bragged on numerous times, and at our last parent teacher conference she was right on target. Somehow over the last semester there has been a big disconnect. She went from "right on target" to "lagging behind"! NOPE!! Not acceptable. Now, I'm not one of those parents that's going to demand perfection, but I know she can do better. My guess is that she's sensing some of the stresses that are going on in her dad and my life, and they are affecting her school work. I asked her about test day, and she said "I just forgot my words". We have gone over them 100s of times since and she gets them (all except confusing want and went) every time. I'm choosing to pick it up a notch from my end, and see what the next semester brings. I feel confident that we can catch up!
In a feeble attempt to get my mind of the TWW, and to take my friend Lauren out to celebrate her upcoming wedding, I planned a ladies night out with some of my awesome co-workers. We headed to Greensboro to The Melting Pot, Friday night and it was AWESOME!!! 3 hours of non-stop fondueing (I don't think that's a real word) and fun with some of my very favorite people. It was amazing. For a moment, the TWW wasn't consuming me. Too bad I can't fondue my way into next weekend...lol.
I guess that's about it for now. Hopefully the next time I write it will be to announce that we're finally preggo! Fingers crossed!!
Friday, January 6, 2012
How it went....
Well, when I last typed I mentioned having the fallopian tube catheterization. It went on, as planned on Wednesday. I wish I could say that it was a piece of cake, but it wasn't. Of course, if my body is involved, there are going to be issues and in classic Bre style it happened again.
It started when the nurse COULD NOT HIT MY VEIN to start an IV. Now, don't get me wrong....I am by no means fussing. I know how bad of a stick I am, and as a nurse I can honestly say I wouldn't want to stick me...lol! After who knows how many attempts my IV was finally going. Anesthesiology came and talked to me, and after about an hours wait it was my turn in the stirrups!
I was literally whisked away to the OR and my procedure started within 2 minutes. Now, the problem was, Dr. Yalcinkaya started with his end before the anesthesiologist was able to give me the drugs. Oh well, I can handle it, right???? WRONG!! HOLY COW IT HURT!!! The last 2 procedures (HSGs) hurt pretty bad, so I knew when I was feeling the pain with this one that it was going to be worse. It only made sense that it would. I got my first dose of meds, and I am pretty sure between them and the pain from the procedure I attempted to pass out again!! I woke up pretty quick this time with a B/P of 63/49 (I really should have never looked at the machine). The pain sucked...I yelled....Dr. Yalcinkaya asked for more meds....the anesthesiologist said NO (thank you low blood pressure). I knew I was in for a pretty rough few minutes.
With the help of a super sweet male nurse (I think his name was Tom....I really wish I could remember) who talked me through it and held my hand, some extra O2, a couple cold wash cloths, and some out loud prayers I made it through. Both of my fallopian tubes were blocked, the left worse than the right (which is quite ironic since my ultrasound prior to the procedure showed that I had 2 great looking follicles....ON MY LEFT OVARY). On my way back to the recovery room, I passed out again.....UGH!! I really wish I could get that in check. I feel like such a wuss when I do it. PANSY!!!
After about an hour in recovery I was headed home. Hurting, but headed home! I slept pretty much the rest of the day. I woke up the next morning, feeling like I'd been punched in the gut (a couple times). It hurt to stand up straight, but today I'm good!!! Ready to make a baby. We had no "restrictions," so we could start with the baby making ASAP. We're scheduled for another IUI (intrauterine insemination) in the morning.
I finally feel like I can breathe! There's no reason now for us not to get preggo. The PCOS is in check, I'm ovulating beautifully, Greg's sperm are a-ok, my fallopian tubes are open....we should be "good to go"!!! I sure could us some prayers, prayers, and more prayers. I'm anxiously excited. It's hard not to be. As Greg and I were laying in bed last night we were so excited and hopeful that we couldn't help but talk about baby names. It's been a while since we allowed ourselves to talk about that. I just feel like the Lord isn't going to give us this joint desire to grow our family, without following through and allowing us to do so. We're ready Lord, seeking your blessings, trusting in your timing, believing in your promises, and loving you no matter the circumstances!!
On to tomorrow.....could it be the day??
It started when the nurse COULD NOT HIT MY VEIN to start an IV. Now, don't get me wrong....I am by no means fussing. I know how bad of a stick I am, and as a nurse I can honestly say I wouldn't want to stick me...lol! After who knows how many attempts my IV was finally going. Anesthesiology came and talked to me, and after about an hours wait it was my turn in the stirrups!
I was literally whisked away to the OR and my procedure started within 2 minutes. Now, the problem was, Dr. Yalcinkaya started with his end before the anesthesiologist was able to give me the drugs. Oh well, I can handle it, right???? WRONG!! HOLY COW IT HURT!!! The last 2 procedures (HSGs) hurt pretty bad, so I knew when I was feeling the pain with this one that it was going to be worse. It only made sense that it would. I got my first dose of meds, and I am pretty sure between them and the pain from the procedure I attempted to pass out again!! I woke up pretty quick this time with a B/P of 63/49 (I really should have never looked at the machine). The pain sucked...I yelled....Dr. Yalcinkaya asked for more meds....the anesthesiologist said NO (thank you low blood pressure). I knew I was in for a pretty rough few minutes.
With the help of a super sweet male nurse (I think his name was Tom....I really wish I could remember) who talked me through it and held my hand, some extra O2, a couple cold wash cloths, and some out loud prayers I made it through. Both of my fallopian tubes were blocked, the left worse than the right (which is quite ironic since my ultrasound prior to the procedure showed that I had 2 great looking follicles....ON MY LEFT OVARY). On my way back to the recovery room, I passed out again.....UGH!! I really wish I could get that in check. I feel like such a wuss when I do it. PANSY!!!
After about an hour in recovery I was headed home. Hurting, but headed home! I slept pretty much the rest of the day. I woke up the next morning, feeling like I'd been punched in the gut (a couple times). It hurt to stand up straight, but today I'm good!!! Ready to make a baby. We had no "restrictions," so we could start with the baby making ASAP. We're scheduled for another IUI (intrauterine insemination) in the morning.
I finally feel like I can breathe! There's no reason now for us not to get preggo. The PCOS is in check, I'm ovulating beautifully, Greg's sperm are a-ok, my fallopian tubes are open....we should be "good to go"!!! I sure could us some prayers, prayers, and more prayers. I'm anxiously excited. It's hard not to be. As Greg and I were laying in bed last night we were so excited and hopeful that we couldn't help but talk about baby names. It's been a while since we allowed ourselves to talk about that. I just feel like the Lord isn't going to give us this joint desire to grow our family, without following through and allowing us to do so. We're ready Lord, seeking your blessings, trusting in your timing, believing in your promises, and loving you no matter the circumstances!!
On to tomorrow.....could it be the day??
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
On the fertility front....
Big day tomorrow. As you may have guessed by the description of the blog, I've been dealt the diagnosis of "infertility." It does not define me, but it has changed me a bit. Long story short, Greg and I've been trying to concieve (TTC) since August of 2009. 30 cycles this month. I've been diagnosed, misdiagnosed, and then diagnosed again. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and now we know that both my fallopian tubes are blocked. This journey has been long, frustrating, irritating, faith building, faith crushing, inspiring, depressing, and just about every emotion rolled into one!!! Tomorrow though, is a new day in our journey. A procedure that will hoepfully FINALLY make it possible for us to conceive. I'm having a cannulation. It's kinda like a cardiac cath for my fallopian tubes. They'll sedate me, send the cath up to the correct spot :D, clear the blockage, and all will be well (hopefully). I sure could use some prayers tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but I know that God's holding me in his hand. The story of the footprints comes to mind here....I have no doubt the footprints in the sand tomorrow will not be mine....they are His, because I am being carried!!! Wish us luck! :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
Lesson to learn in everything!!!
I posted this on my facebook page as my New Years Resolution.....
My "resolution" this year ~ To love like He does, serve like He did. Complain less, talk positively about others, reserve judgment, see people for their potential, reach out to the hurting, to love like crazy and live for others. Lord, help me to love others like I love my Hannah. To love like you love me. Help me not to take a minute for granted, help me to LIVE and LOVE like you do. Give me... the passion, strength, and courage to be drastic, serve others, and to really make a difference. I want to be different, Lord! I want to be the opptosite of what so many have come to hate about "Christians". I don't want to be judmental, negative, hopeless, hypocritical, or stingy. Lord, give me ideas, inspiration, and the ability to be who you are calling me to be....to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world. I want to help bring Your water to a dry and thirsty land. A light in the darkness. I want to share hope with the hopeless. I want to show my little girl what it means to be a true follower of Christ, a disciple. I don't want to be a hatemonger, a fearmonger, or a hypocrite. I want to love unconditionally, serve without expectation, give generously. I want to live like my money is not mine, my things are not mine, my life is not mine. Please help me to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, nurse, and person you've called me to be. NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE WAITING!! Your love is overwhelming. The hope you offer is priceless. Your good news is too awesome not to share. I want to live and love like Jesus. Give me Your eyes and heart. Here I am Lord, send me!!
All that is true. That is the person I want to be, that I desire to be. The problem is, all that is not who I am. My flesh is ridiculously weak!!! I posted that and left for work. That night was a rough one. Most nurses know that sometimes, your shifts on the hall can be HARD. Physically, mentally, emotionally....just HARD. Well, it turns out that the first night of 2012 was just that! I had one paitent in particular that, (thanks to HIPAA) I'll call "Miss Faith". I've known Miss Faith for a while. Super sweet lady, with a super sweet family. I <3 her! Unfortunately Miss Faith has had more than a minor change in mental status. Confused doesn't even begin to describe her. I swear if I went in her room once, I went 2 dozen (no exaggeration). In her confused state Miss Faith was a handful. She pulled her IV out 3 times, unhooked and threw important medical equipment in the floor, unspiked one of her IV bags and put the tubing in her cup of water!! ALL NIGHT LONG I wrestled with Miss Faith. Around 6:15 I went to check on her and found her naked, with her heart monitor pulled off and out of the wall, and bleeding from yet another pulled out IV site!! UGH!! I'd had it!! "Miss Faith....we've talked about this!! You can't keep doing this!! I'm trying my best to take care of you and you're doing nothing but making it way harder than it should be. Can't you just listen to me!!!" I cleaned her up, started another IV, and reported her off to day shift!! I was done (atleast for 12 hours) with Miss Faith.
As I was saying my prayers before bed, I had one of those "ah ha moments". The ones where you can almost audibly hear the Lord speaking to you! My night hadn't been just another night shift....there was a lesson in it for me. I've admitted my flesh is weak, and my resolution really is the person I want to be. God allowed me to have my night with Miss Faith to teach me a lesson. Am I not just like Miss Faith? Continually, over and over again, screwing things up, when the Lord is trying his best to take care of me. I keep fighting, messing, pulling, and tugging, making it harder than it needs to be!!!! You see, the difference is Jesus hasn't lost his patience with me, and he hasn't reported me off yet. As I was praying, I heard Him loud and clear. Proof positive, that the Lord can and will use what we think are our day to day lives to teach us, if we're just receptive to the lesson! Alright Lord.....message received!! :)
My "resolution" this year ~ To love like He does, serve like He did. Complain less, talk positively about others, reserve judgment, see people for their potential, reach out to the hurting, to love like crazy and live for others. Lord, help me to love others like I love my Hannah. To love like you love me. Help me not to take a minute for granted, help me to LIVE and LOVE like you do. Give me... the passion, strength, and courage to be drastic, serve others, and to really make a difference. I want to be different, Lord! I want to be the opptosite of what so many have come to hate about "Christians". I don't want to be judmental, negative, hopeless, hypocritical, or stingy. Lord, give me ideas, inspiration, and the ability to be who you are calling me to be....to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world. I want to help bring Your water to a dry and thirsty land. A light in the darkness. I want to share hope with the hopeless. I want to show my little girl what it means to be a true follower of Christ, a disciple. I don't want to be a hatemonger, a fearmonger, or a hypocrite. I want to love unconditionally, serve without expectation, give generously. I want to live like my money is not mine, my things are not mine, my life is not mine. Please help me to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, nurse, and person you've called me to be. NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE WAITING!! Your love is overwhelming. The hope you offer is priceless. Your good news is too awesome not to share. I want to live and love like Jesus. Give me Your eyes and heart. Here I am Lord, send me!!
All that is true. That is the person I want to be, that I desire to be. The problem is, all that is not who I am. My flesh is ridiculously weak!!! I posted that and left for work. That night was a rough one. Most nurses know that sometimes, your shifts on the hall can be HARD. Physically, mentally, emotionally....just HARD. Well, it turns out that the first night of 2012 was just that! I had one paitent in particular that, (thanks to HIPAA) I'll call "Miss Faith". I've known Miss Faith for a while. Super sweet lady, with a super sweet family. I <3 her! Unfortunately Miss Faith has had more than a minor change in mental status. Confused doesn't even begin to describe her. I swear if I went in her room once, I went 2 dozen (no exaggeration). In her confused state Miss Faith was a handful. She pulled her IV out 3 times, unhooked and threw important medical equipment in the floor, unspiked one of her IV bags and put the tubing in her cup of water!! ALL NIGHT LONG I wrestled with Miss Faith. Around 6:15 I went to check on her and found her naked, with her heart monitor pulled off and out of the wall, and bleeding from yet another pulled out IV site!! UGH!! I'd had it!! "Miss Faith....we've talked about this!! You can't keep doing this!! I'm trying my best to take care of you and you're doing nothing but making it way harder than it should be. Can't you just listen to me!!!" I cleaned her up, started another IV, and reported her off to day shift!! I was done (atleast for 12 hours) with Miss Faith.
As I was saying my prayers before bed, I had one of those "ah ha moments". The ones where you can almost audibly hear the Lord speaking to you! My night hadn't been just another night shift....there was a lesson in it for me. I've admitted my flesh is weak, and my resolution really is the person I want to be. God allowed me to have my night with Miss Faith to teach me a lesson. Am I not just like Miss Faith? Continually, over and over again, screwing things up, when the Lord is trying his best to take care of me. I keep fighting, messing, pulling, and tugging, making it harder than it needs to be!!!! You see, the difference is Jesus hasn't lost his patience with me, and he hasn't reported me off yet. As I was praying, I heard Him loud and clear. Proof positive, that the Lord can and will use what we think are our day to day lives to teach us, if we're just receptive to the lesson! Alright Lord.....message received!! :)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A New Beginning....
Well, this sure is a long time coming. I actually created this blog MONTHS ago, with the intention of using it as a sounding board and a safe place to go vent. The night I created I was so frustrated (with what, now I can't even remember). I tried to upload a video of Francesca Battistelli's song "This Is The Stuff" (hint, hint) and it was taking FOREVER!!! After about 30 minutes of this YouTube video attempting to load, I gave up....closed the lap top....and haven't came back here since. Today, being January 1st, I thought there was no time better than to start again. I've got lots of plans for myself this new year. I wanna lose 100lbs (wish me luck on that one), and really work on my relationship with the Lord. 2012 promises to be a very trying year for the Anderson's. My hubby leaves for a years deployment in May, and Hannah and I will face this world together. I know that there will be absolutely no way that we'll make it without the mercy and strength that only comes from the Lord!! So, if you're reading this and you are the least bit intrigued in the day to day life of an wife, mommy, daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, and nurse who is trying to balance overtime, church, infertility treatments and a looming deployment, all while growing as a person and in the Lord, and dropping a few (read 100) pounds in the meantime, then stick around. I'm sure things are about to get interesting!!
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