Saturday, April 14, 2012
I know, I know
Okay....I know! It's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Honestly, I just haven't felt like anything I had to say was worthy of typing. I've been in a kind of "ho-hum" mood about pretty much everything. I didn't figure there was any point and bringing you guys down to my "Eyeore-ish" level. I've got some good stuff brewing, so stay tuned. I promise....it's coming! :)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
1 step forward, 2 steps back and a few minutes on my soap box!!
Yes, I said that right!! It seems like lately, at least in our home life, it’s been that way. We’ll celebrate 10 years of marriage this year, and a lot has changed in those years. When we got married we were very young, dumb, and deliriously happy. Our wedding day marked an accomplishment of sorts. We were totally that couple that no one thought would make it. We were a fad almost. We didn’t fit together, seemed to have almost nothing in common, and our love story really came out of nowhere and made no sense. 10 years later, we’re still here, more in love, and happier than ever! While our relationship has grown, and so have we as people, we’ve faced lots of challenges (like every marriage) along the way. I guess, I’m just more frustrated with the challenges facing us today, than I have ever been.
No soapbox here (we’ll save that for later in the post). I’m frustrated because we did everything “right.” We fell in love, abstained from sex until after marriage (yes, that’s right world….it’s possible to do! I was virgin until my honeymoon night, and I will forever be proud of that!!!), got married, found decent (for our area of the world) jobs, and then had a kiddo. The “correct” order of things. So, someone please tell me why, we can’t seem to get ahead at all!! We decided early in our marriage that we wanted more for ourselves than our parents had, and more for our children than we had. No, that doesn’t mean “things” per say. We just wanted better. We wanted that day when we weren’t living paycheck to paycheck. When we had a nest egg, something to fall back on. We had a plan. I would work (full time) while he worked (part time) and went to school to become a police officer. When the time came, he would return me the favor. He worked full time as did I, while we put me through nursing school. Every night when I would drag in from work and start my never ending homework and studying we would remind ourselves that “our time” was coming. The light we saw, really was the end of the tunnel, and not a train!!! Once I got my “dream job” as a nurse, I would finally be making more than minimum wage, and we could finally start DIGGING ourselves out of a hole we’d spent 8 years building!!
Fast forward to today. UGH!! Here we are. Making more $ than we ever have, but we still can’t seem to dig out of that hole. I HATE DEBT!! I really do! It drives me insane. Some people say you’ll never have anything in life without debt. I disagree! It’s possible, I just haven’t really figured out how yet. I was soooo close to being essentially (other than our mortgage) debt free!! Did you hear that?? DEBT FREE!!! I could see that day within my reach…..not anymore! In the last 6-8 months my car died and wasn’t repairable, so now I have a new car payment (new payment, not new car). Greg managed to fail to read the fine print and took a “free” class to be a personal trainer. Well, the class didn’t end up being "free" if you didn’t take your licensure exam, now we have a $4000 debt to pay thanks to that! Our (struggling) central heat/air that came with our home, stopped struggling and DIED. Hello to another $2600 debt. This week Greg went for his Lasik surgery consult, and we got the news that on surgery day we had to write a check for $4200, and it looks as if it’s time to re-roof our house (and it can’t be delayed too long) YAY (sarcasm) $5000 more!! Add all that to the mountain of medical bills from this crazy battle with infertility and I feel like we’re drowning!
Okay, before you people start screaming at me, let me say this….We are incredibly blessed! Far beyond what we deserve. We both have jobs that we enjoy and the health and strength to go to them everyday. We have a roof (although it needs replacing) over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our stomachs, wonderful friends, a fantastic family, and enumerable blessings!! I know how blessed I am!! I just wish that from the bottom of this hole I’ve found myself in, that those blessing were easier to count than the bills that keep coming!! Somehow we'll manage all this newfound debt. We’ll come out on the other end, praising God for His blessings and the ability to conquer such a giant!! In the meantime, I’ll wallow a little!!
I really don’t’ think I’d be quite as frustrated if this economy and society made more sense. Why is it that those of us who are actually attempting to be productive, participating, contributing members of society, seem to be the ones struggling so much today? While so many live the ‘high life” off the system!! No mortgage because HUD is paying for their homes, no power bill because DSS is offsetting that cost, no insurance payments because Medicaid is covering that bill, no groceries to buy because they have food stamps, no job to go to and no worries as long they can draw unemployment!!! Greg and I know people/have family members/friends who are leaches to society, but for some reason,to them, this behavior is okay. They have no drive, no desire to be better, they don’t want more for themselves or their child(ren). They are content with us (and the rest of most of you) going to work, and funding the system that allows them their freedom from responsibility!! **SOAP BOX ALERT!!** Get up, get off your tail, get a job, and become a productive member of society! (Disclaimer: For those of you who are blessed enough to be stay at home mommies….I am by no means talking to you!! You aren’t societal leaches, but quite the opposite. You are forging a path for a more moral, structured world!! Kudos to you!! :) ) And attention to all the other family members/friends that continue to enable these leaches!! Your actions will no longer be tolerated either. You are just as guilty as if you’d bought the crack for the crack addict, or the beer for the alcoholic. It’s not okay!! And saying that you’re “proud” of the sucky decisions that they’ve made recently not only upsets me, but literally turns my stomach!! You wanna be proud! Be proud of my hubby and his decisions!! He’s working everyday, 2 jobs (police and National Guard) and is getting ready to be deployed! Yeah, that’s right….fighting for our freedom! Not sitting at home, watching TV, drawing a check and benefits that in my opinion are no longer due you!! **OFF SOAP BOX**
Whew…..that post was heavy, huh?? I’ve probably upset a few of you, and if so….I’m sorry!! I just really needed to vent!! Thanks for listening. I feel much better now :) Off to bed! Working tonight!!
No soapbox here (we’ll save that for later in the post). I’m frustrated because we did everything “right.” We fell in love, abstained from sex until after marriage (yes, that’s right world….it’s possible to do! I was virgin until my honeymoon night, and I will forever be proud of that!!!), got married, found decent (for our area of the world) jobs, and then had a kiddo. The “correct” order of things. So, someone please tell me why, we can’t seem to get ahead at all!! We decided early in our marriage that we wanted more for ourselves than our parents had, and more for our children than we had. No, that doesn’t mean “things” per say. We just wanted better. We wanted that day when we weren’t living paycheck to paycheck. When we had a nest egg, something to fall back on. We had a plan. I would work (full time) while he worked (part time) and went to school to become a police officer. When the time came, he would return me the favor. He worked full time as did I, while we put me through nursing school. Every night when I would drag in from work and start my never ending homework and studying we would remind ourselves that “our time” was coming. The light we saw, really was the end of the tunnel, and not a train!!! Once I got my “dream job” as a nurse, I would finally be making more than minimum wage, and we could finally start DIGGING ourselves out of a hole we’d spent 8 years building!!
Fast forward to today. UGH!! Here we are. Making more $ than we ever have, but we still can’t seem to dig out of that hole. I HATE DEBT!! I really do! It drives me insane. Some people say you’ll never have anything in life without debt. I disagree! It’s possible, I just haven’t really figured out how yet. I was soooo close to being essentially (other than our mortgage) debt free!! Did you hear that?? DEBT FREE!!! I could see that day within my reach…..not anymore! In the last 6-8 months my car died and wasn’t repairable, so now I have a new car payment (new payment, not new car). Greg managed to fail to read the fine print and took a “free” class to be a personal trainer. Well, the class didn’t end up being "free" if you didn’t take your licensure exam, now we have a $4000 debt to pay thanks to that! Our (struggling) central heat/air that came with our home, stopped struggling and DIED. Hello to another $2600 debt. This week Greg went for his Lasik surgery consult, and we got the news that on surgery day we had to write a check for $4200, and it looks as if it’s time to re-roof our house (and it can’t be delayed too long) YAY (sarcasm) $5000 more!! Add all that to the mountain of medical bills from this crazy battle with infertility and I feel like we’re drowning!
Okay, before you people start screaming at me, let me say this….We are incredibly blessed! Far beyond what we deserve. We both have jobs that we enjoy and the health and strength to go to them everyday. We have a roof (although it needs replacing) over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our stomachs, wonderful friends, a fantastic family, and enumerable blessings!! I know how blessed I am!! I just wish that from the bottom of this hole I’ve found myself in, that those blessing were easier to count than the bills that keep coming!! Somehow we'll manage all this newfound debt. We’ll come out on the other end, praising God for His blessings and the ability to conquer such a giant!! In the meantime, I’ll wallow a little!!
I really don’t’ think I’d be quite as frustrated if this economy and society made more sense. Why is it that those of us who are actually attempting to be productive, participating, contributing members of society, seem to be the ones struggling so much today? While so many live the ‘high life” off the system!! No mortgage because HUD is paying for their homes, no power bill because DSS is offsetting that cost, no insurance payments because Medicaid is covering that bill, no groceries to buy because they have food stamps, no job to go to and no worries as long they can draw unemployment!!! Greg and I know people/have family members/friends who are leaches to society, but for some reason,to them, this behavior is okay. They have no drive, no desire to be better, they don’t want more for themselves or their child(ren). They are content with us (and the rest of most of you) going to work, and funding the system that allows them their freedom from responsibility!! **SOAP BOX ALERT!!** Get up, get off your tail, get a job, and become a productive member of society! (Disclaimer: For those of you who are blessed enough to be stay at home mommies….I am by no means talking to you!! You aren’t societal leaches, but quite the opposite. You are forging a path for a more moral, structured world!! Kudos to you!! :) ) And attention to all the other family members/friends that continue to enable these leaches!! Your actions will no longer be tolerated either. You are just as guilty as if you’d bought the crack for the crack addict, or the beer for the alcoholic. It’s not okay!! And saying that you’re “proud” of the sucky decisions that they’ve made recently not only upsets me, but literally turns my stomach!! You wanna be proud! Be proud of my hubby and his decisions!! He’s working everyday, 2 jobs (police and National Guard) and is getting ready to be deployed! Yeah, that’s right….fighting for our freedom! Not sitting at home, watching TV, drawing a check and benefits that in my opinion are no longer due you!! **OFF SOAP BOX**
Whew…..that post was heavy, huh?? I’ve probably upset a few of you, and if so….I’m sorry!! I just really needed to vent!! Thanks for listening. I feel much better now :) Off to bed! Working tonight!!
I like the way you talk....
Ha. So, you’ve seen that clip from the movie “Slingblade”, right? If not, check it out here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylI86NhPyAk&feature=fvsr
You’ll get a giggle out of it, for sure.
I guess you’re wondering where I’m going with this? Well, it’s a long (kinda) story. Stick with me here. Last August I was asked to be a member of the special events committee at my church. What’s that you may ask? We’ll we’re the committee who plans pretty much everything outside of the weekly services. We’re the ones who plan and prepare for fellowship dinners, Sunday singings, concerts, conferences, food drives, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, holiday celebrations. Get it? We’re busy!! Our ultimate goal though is to promote unity, fellowship, and mission mindedness among our members. Since I’m the “loudest” (read biggest mouthed) of the 3 members, I often (read all the time) get elected as our spokesperson. This means that I have to speak, out loud, in church….OFTEN. There will be months when our poor congregation won’t go a weekend without hearing from me. I talk A LOT!!
Fast forward to last Sunday. Church was over and Hannah and I are sharing lunch together at her favorite little restaurant in town. While we’re sitting there a sweet couple from our church walk by on their way out the door. While the hubby goes to pay for their dinner, the wife comes over to our table and says “Oh, Breanna….I just love to hear you speak at church. You’re so funny, and honest. Everything you say, just flows! You should really think about doing it more often!” Once I was able to swallow (prevent choking on my) chicken tender, I was able to say “Thank you so much, more often than not I am so nervous and feel like I ramble! And who wants to hear this old country girl talk anymore? Haha” To which she replies “Oh no! We can never tell your nervous. We’d love to hear you more often!” I just nodded and smiled, and we said our goodbyes.
On the way home, Hannah’s jamming out in the background to K-Love , and I can’t help but giggle. Even though that sweet lady had paid me a great compliment, all I kept hearing her say in my head, in full “Slingblade” style, was “I LIKE THE WAY YOU TALK!!” LOL!!!! I probably giggled about if for at least 3 or 4 more songs, but then I really got stuck on something she said, not once, but twice….”more often!” What if I talked more often? What am I going to talk about? Where am I going to talk? All these questions left me wondering, can I really use my voice to make a difference. My voice?? I tried the whole singing thing once, I quickly realized that I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and the world's ears were much safer if I kept my singing to merely my car and my shower. But, I guess, there’s really more to a voice than just singing. Talking…speaking….humm?? My interest was perked!
I’ll have to admit, like most times in my life, things perked my interest but then thanks to life in general, it slipped my mind. Last week I got up the guts to publicly (via Facebook) publish a link to this little blog. I got some awesome comments, for all of which I am thankful, but one stuck out again. “You may have just stumbled onto something bigger than you know!” Wow….I hadn’t saw it that way before. I created this blog as a sounding board and a safe place for me to vent. I never thought that it would go anywhere, or really mean anything, but now it looks like it can and has!!
Now my dilemma! For what cause do I use my voice? What topic, population, or charity can I champion. God gave me this voice, and what I am quickly learning is a tool for His glory, to make a difference in this world…..I just don’t know which way to go. Any ideas? Those of you who know me, know my beliefs and where I stand on just about every topic. What should I do, where should I go (other than to the Lord in prayer about the whole thing), and what do I talk about?? With the Lord’s help, maybe I can take my little voice, this little blog, some little topic, and make a big difference somewhere!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylI86NhPyAk&feature=fvsr
You’ll get a giggle out of it, for sure.
I guess you’re wondering where I’m going with this? Well, it’s a long (kinda) story. Stick with me here. Last August I was asked to be a member of the special events committee at my church. What’s that you may ask? We’ll we’re the committee who plans pretty much everything outside of the weekly services. We’re the ones who plan and prepare for fellowship dinners, Sunday singings, concerts, conferences, food drives, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, holiday celebrations. Get it? We’re busy!! Our ultimate goal though is to promote unity, fellowship, and mission mindedness among our members. Since I’m the “loudest” (read biggest mouthed) of the 3 members, I often (read all the time) get elected as our spokesperson. This means that I have to speak, out loud, in church….OFTEN. There will be months when our poor congregation won’t go a weekend without hearing from me. I talk A LOT!!
Fast forward to last Sunday. Church was over and Hannah and I are sharing lunch together at her favorite little restaurant in town. While we’re sitting there a sweet couple from our church walk by on their way out the door. While the hubby goes to pay for their dinner, the wife comes over to our table and says “Oh, Breanna….I just love to hear you speak at church. You’re so funny, and honest. Everything you say, just flows! You should really think about doing it more often!” Once I was able to swallow (prevent choking on my) chicken tender, I was able to say “Thank you so much, more often than not I am so nervous and feel like I ramble! And who wants to hear this old country girl talk anymore? Haha” To which she replies “Oh no! We can never tell your nervous. We’d love to hear you more often!” I just nodded and smiled, and we said our goodbyes.
On the way home, Hannah’s jamming out in the background to K-Love , and I can’t help but giggle. Even though that sweet lady had paid me a great compliment, all I kept hearing her say in my head, in full “Slingblade” style, was “I LIKE THE WAY YOU TALK!!” LOL!!!! I probably giggled about if for at least 3 or 4 more songs, but then I really got stuck on something she said, not once, but twice….”more often!” What if I talked more often? What am I going to talk about? Where am I going to talk? All these questions left me wondering, can I really use my voice to make a difference. My voice?? I tried the whole singing thing once, I quickly realized that I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and the world's ears were much safer if I kept my singing to merely my car and my shower. But, I guess, there’s really more to a voice than just singing. Talking…speaking….humm?? My interest was perked!
I’ll have to admit, like most times in my life, things perked my interest but then thanks to life in general, it slipped my mind. Last week I got up the guts to publicly (via Facebook) publish a link to this little blog. I got some awesome comments, for all of which I am thankful, but one stuck out again. “You may have just stumbled onto something bigger than you know!” Wow….I hadn’t saw it that way before. I created this blog as a sounding board and a safe place for me to vent. I never thought that it would go anywhere, or really mean anything, but now it looks like it can and has!!
Now my dilemma! For what cause do I use my voice? What topic, population, or charity can I champion. God gave me this voice, and what I am quickly learning is a tool for His glory, to make a difference in this world…..I just don’t know which way to go. Any ideas? Those of you who know me, know my beliefs and where I stand on just about every topic. What should I do, where should I go (other than to the Lord in prayer about the whole thing), and what do I talk about?? With the Lord’s help, maybe I can take my little voice, this little blog, some little topic, and make a big difference somewhere!!
Friday, February 10, 2012
100th day project
Times sure does fly, doesn't it?
It seems like it was just yesterday that I was buying new school clothes, and spending the last few glorious days of summer with my kiddo. Look at us now! We've celebrated Labor Day, Halloween, had fall break, ate too much at Thanksgiving, celebrated Jesus' birthday, ushered in a new year, and are headed full steam ahead into Valentine's Day. As if the reality of this slipping time wasn't smacking me in the face enough already, I got a note in Hannah's homework folder that read "We're celebrating the 100th day of school!!!". What? 100 days already? You've got to be kidding me. They only go to school for 180 days. We're more than half way through this school year!
To "celebrate" Hannah had a project due at the end of this week. A collection of 100 things, "displayed neatly". 100 things? What kind of things?? I really didn't have a clue what we were going to do for this. Partly because both Greg and I worked this week and I feel horribly guilty pawning large projects off on my moma, and because at first glance I didn't see 100 anything in my house. Hannah came home and said "Sydney is bringing 100 seashells, and Eric has 100 toy cars." Oh geez....how were we supposed to hold a candle to seashells and matchbox cars? After thinking about it, suddenly it hit me!! PICTURES!!! Our home is filled to the brim with pictures. Family pictures, pictures of friends, tons of memories printed on 4x6 photo paper. PERFECT. Greg bought a cute new photo album, and I got busy uploading pics to Walgreens.com. Even Hannah was excited.
Hannah was in every single picture I chose. This project turned out to be a timeline of sorts. The first picture in the book was of the day Hannah was born. Her daddy and I holding her and all her IVs and wires in the nursery at the hospital. We were so young, so dumb, and so deliriously happy. The last picture in the book was the last one we had made of ourselves. Christmas at the National Guard armory. Greg in his ACUs with me and Hannah-banana by his side. I looked through those pictures over and over again. MY HEART BROKE!! My baby isn't a baby anymore. Wow....God allowed me to be that precious baby's moma and with His help, and her daddy's of course, we've raised a beautiful, smart, sweetheart of a little girl. 6 years of pictures and memories were in my hands. What an amazing blessing this "little project" had turned out to be. God is faithful, and he's used our lives and the moments displayed in so many of those pictures to prove it....time and time again. Even though I was sad that my baby has grown up so quickly, I was so thankful for what those pictures were. Wow at the amazing memories God had allowed us to make with our baby girl. Vacations, and holidays, special occasions and everyday life. We've lived, loved, and laughed together. We made memories with our little girl that we wished we'd had as children. When we decided to start a family our goals in life change dramatically. Our life wasn't about us anymore, but it became all about making a "better life" for the little lives we were about to bring into the world. The 100th day project showed us that we'd been blessed to do just that!!! Who would have ever thought there would be a blessing in a homework assignment? Now, we just keep praying that one day, very soon we can start a picture album full of new memories with me, Greg, Hannah, and a new little bundle of joy!! Ya'll will be praying with us, right?
It seems like it was just yesterday that I was buying new school clothes, and spending the last few glorious days of summer with my kiddo. Look at us now! We've celebrated Labor Day, Halloween, had fall break, ate too much at Thanksgiving, celebrated Jesus' birthday, ushered in a new year, and are headed full steam ahead into Valentine's Day. As if the reality of this slipping time wasn't smacking me in the face enough already, I got a note in Hannah's homework folder that read "We're celebrating the 100th day of school!!!". What? 100 days already? You've got to be kidding me. They only go to school for 180 days. We're more than half way through this school year!
To "celebrate" Hannah had a project due at the end of this week. A collection of 100 things, "displayed neatly". 100 things? What kind of things?? I really didn't have a clue what we were going to do for this. Partly because both Greg and I worked this week and I feel horribly guilty pawning large projects off on my moma, and because at first glance I didn't see 100 anything in my house. Hannah came home and said "Sydney is bringing 100 seashells, and Eric has 100 toy cars." Oh geez....how were we supposed to hold a candle to seashells and matchbox cars? After thinking about it, suddenly it hit me!! PICTURES!!! Our home is filled to the brim with pictures. Family pictures, pictures of friends, tons of memories printed on 4x6 photo paper. PERFECT. Greg bought a cute new photo album, and I got busy uploading pics to Walgreens.com. Even Hannah was excited.
Hannah was in every single picture I chose. This project turned out to be a timeline of sorts. The first picture in the book was of the day Hannah was born. Her daddy and I holding her and all her IVs and wires in the nursery at the hospital. We were so young, so dumb, and so deliriously happy. The last picture in the book was the last one we had made of ourselves. Christmas at the National Guard armory. Greg in his ACUs with me and Hannah-banana by his side. I looked through those pictures over and over again. MY HEART BROKE!! My baby isn't a baby anymore. Wow....God allowed me to be that precious baby's moma and with His help, and her daddy's of course, we've raised a beautiful, smart, sweetheart of a little girl. 6 years of pictures and memories were in my hands. What an amazing blessing this "little project" had turned out to be. God is faithful, and he's used our lives and the moments displayed in so many of those pictures to prove it....time and time again. Even though I was sad that my baby has grown up so quickly, I was so thankful for what those pictures were. Wow at the amazing memories God had allowed us to make with our baby girl. Vacations, and holidays, special occasions and everyday life. We've lived, loved, and laughed together. We made memories with our little girl that we wished we'd had as children. When we decided to start a family our goals in life change dramatically. Our life wasn't about us anymore, but it became all about making a "better life" for the little lives we were about to bring into the world. The 100th day project showed us that we'd been blessed to do just that!!! Who would have ever thought there would be a blessing in a homework assignment? Now, we just keep praying that one day, very soon we can start a picture album full of new memories with me, Greg, Hannah, and a new little bundle of joy!! Ya'll will be praying with us, right?
WinterJam!!! :)
When I last left you guys, I had mentioned (more than once) that I was headed to WinterJam over the weekend. I did, just as I had planned. Let me preface my ramblings about WinterJam by saying, I know that some people don't really like the idea of "Christian Rock" and some will even go as far as saying that it's blasphemy. I respect those opinions, but I challenge anyone who thinks this way to attend a WinterJam, just one time, with an open mind. I have zero doubts that your opinion would be changed by nights end.
My longtime BFF Tara, my "little" (she's not little anymore) cousin Rachall, and I set out for our girls night out in the early afternoon. Our plan was to grab dinner in Winston, run a few Tara errands, and be to the Greensboro coliseum early to stand in line. Long story short, that plan didn't quite go so smoothly, but we made it to the coliseum in plenty of time! The line was RIDICULOUS, just as it always is. WinterJam is a music festival. Ten bands for $10. There's no wonder it's always a madhouse, and the Greensboro stop is the largest in the WinterJam tour. 21,000 people were in attendance that night with 1000s turned away because we were WAY over capacity. I'm pretty sure the fire marshall was having a heart attack somewhere in the building :)
The music was awesome. For King & Country, Building 429, Group 1 Crew, NewSong, Sanctus Real, Kari Jobe, and Skillet poured there hearts out. The worship was amazing. I can't express to you how it feels to stand in a room full of 21,000 people, all in like mind, calling on and praising our Lord. God was alive and moving in Greensboro that night. Souls were saved, decisions were made, rededications happened, LIVES WERE CHANGED. Listen hard here people. The Bible says that where 2 or more are gathered, He'll be there. HE WAS. That coliseum was overflowing with the Holy Spirit. AMAZING NIGHT. The thing that I enjoyed most though, really had nothing to do with the venue, or the music....
Many years ago this perfect little girl was born. The first baby for my aunt Tammy. She was absolutely perfect, they named her Rachall. That little girl has always been one of my favorite people, I've watched her grow up from this tiny perfect little baby into this amazing young woman. I'm blessed to be able to say she's more than my cousin, she's one of my best friends. I love that girl. Well, thanks to WinterJam I got to witness a sight that will forever be embedded in my heart. I watched that girl really praise the Lord. Watching her, with her hands raised, in complete praise of our Lord is a site that I will treasure forever. She loves the Lord and it was all over her face that night. The Lord inhabits the praise of his people, and that night he had lots to inhabit. I'm glad I was one of them, and I'm even more glad that I got to watch my "little Rachall" get her praise on too!! Good times!!
So, WinterJam rocked. The Superbowl sucked :/ Plans didn't work out for us to hang out with our buds, but that's alright!! We'll make up for it. The Daytona 500 is only a couple weeks away! :) Works been decent (quick, someone knock on wood...I'd hate to jinx myself!!). The Duke v. Carolina game was AWESOME!!! WOOT WOOT!! I love me some Blue Devils. They are "callin' for snow" this weekend. Of course they are. It's been 60 degrees all winter long, and the weekend we have family plans out of town it's going to snow. Oh well, it's just the circus. If we can't make it down there we'll cuddle up on the couch together, watch some episodes of Wizards of Waverly place and just enjoy being together! <3
My longtime BFF Tara, my "little" (she's not little anymore) cousin Rachall, and I set out for our girls night out in the early afternoon. Our plan was to grab dinner in Winston, run a few Tara errands, and be to the Greensboro coliseum early to stand in line. Long story short, that plan didn't quite go so smoothly, but we made it to the coliseum in plenty of time! The line was RIDICULOUS, just as it always is. WinterJam is a music festival. Ten bands for $10. There's no wonder it's always a madhouse, and the Greensboro stop is the largest in the WinterJam tour. 21,000 people were in attendance that night with 1000s turned away because we were WAY over capacity. I'm pretty sure the fire marshall was having a heart attack somewhere in the building :)
The music was awesome. For King & Country, Building 429, Group 1 Crew, NewSong, Sanctus Real, Kari Jobe, and Skillet poured there hearts out. The worship was amazing. I can't express to you how it feels to stand in a room full of 21,000 people, all in like mind, calling on and praising our Lord. God was alive and moving in Greensboro that night. Souls were saved, decisions were made, rededications happened, LIVES WERE CHANGED. Listen hard here people. The Bible says that where 2 or more are gathered, He'll be there. HE WAS. That coliseum was overflowing with the Holy Spirit. AMAZING NIGHT. The thing that I enjoyed most though, really had nothing to do with the venue, or the music....
Many years ago this perfect little girl was born. The first baby for my aunt Tammy. She was absolutely perfect, they named her Rachall. That little girl has always been one of my favorite people, I've watched her grow up from this tiny perfect little baby into this amazing young woman. I'm blessed to be able to say she's more than my cousin, she's one of my best friends. I love that girl. Well, thanks to WinterJam I got to witness a sight that will forever be embedded in my heart. I watched that girl really praise the Lord. Watching her, with her hands raised, in complete praise of our Lord is a site that I will treasure forever. She loves the Lord and it was all over her face that night. The Lord inhabits the praise of his people, and that night he had lots to inhabit. I'm glad I was one of them, and I'm even more glad that I got to watch my "little Rachall" get her praise on too!! Good times!!
So, WinterJam rocked. The Superbowl sucked :/ Plans didn't work out for us to hang out with our buds, but that's alright!! We'll make up for it. The Daytona 500 is only a couple weeks away! :) Works been decent (quick, someone knock on wood...I'd hate to jinx myself!!). The Duke v. Carolina game was AWESOME!!! WOOT WOOT!! I love me some Blue Devils. They are "callin' for snow" this weekend. Of course they are. It's been 60 degrees all winter long, and the weekend we have family plans out of town it's going to snow. Oh well, it's just the circus. If we can't make it down there we'll cuddle up on the couch together, watch some episodes of Wizards of Waverly place and just enjoy being together! <3
Friday, February 3, 2012
Haha!! :)
Do you see this man?
I love him!!
He's my better half!!
The absolute love of my life!!
An amazing father!
Honorable soldier!
Proud police officer!
My life mate, best friend, and greatest blessing!
BUT....if he doesn't start helping me around this house. His days are numbered!! LOL
Monday, January 30, 2012
Is that the light at the end of the tunnel....
Or is it just a train!? Okay, so as I sit here I am smack in the middle of 6 nights at WRMC. Yep, you read that right. I am currently on the downhill slide of night #4. I don't want to mince words here....let me be very clear....THIS SUCKS!! I am EXHAUSTED. Not only that, but I'm mad. Wanna know why? I'm mad because I am so tired that all I want to do is sleep. I'm mad because my house is a wreck because for the last 5 days all I've done is sleep, and go to work. I'm literally about 8 loads of laundry behind. I feel like I haven't seen my Hannah is forever and my hubby in even longer than that. I'm mad because for the first time in a long time, I have FUN plans for this weekend, but my conscience is getting to me. "Breanna, are you really going to go to WinterJam when your house is in such shambles?" "Breanna, are you really even tossing around the idea of having people over to your house for the Superbowl, when you're pretty sure that there are bowls of unidentifiable foods growing mold in your refrigerator?"
YEP!! I sure am!!
You wanna know why? Because I am tired of letting life and all the good stuff that goes with it pass me by. When I was driving to work tonight, I started thinking about the fact that my baby is 6 years old! DID YOU HEAR THAT?? 6 YEARS OLD! I've been blessed to be her mommy for 6 wonderful years.....6 years that have literally flown by. F-L-O-W-N-B-Y!!! I'm never going to get those days back. All the snuggles, and stories, and laughs, and highs, and lows, and all things in between...they are just memories now. I can't change them, anymore that I can change all the wasted moments. So, where am I going with this....each moment we're given is a blessing. A chance to make a memory. Will it really hurt anything if those dishes in the sink don't get done because you're playing candyland with your daughter. Or, so what if the shower could use a good scrubbing, but your spending precious moment just "catching up", cuddled under the covers with the one you love!! None, of that stuff matters. Now, don't get me wrong....I'm not an advocate for nastiness, but I am most certainly an advocate for taking advantage of the time the Lord gives you. A very wise friend of mine has coined the term, "what's it going to matter in a hundred years anyway?" You know, he's right. Some of the things that we make "priorities" aren't worth worrying about. When you're 85 and looking back on your life are you going to lament all the dirty dishes, or laundry that got backed up? Nope, you'll regret the moments that you wasted, that you could have used to make beautiful memories.
So, WinterJam here I come....and Go Patriots (even if I'm wearing dirty socks, and growing my own penicillin!!). That light I see, may be a train...but I headed towards it, full speed ahead, with no hesitation! :)
YEP!! I sure am!!
You wanna know why? Because I am tired of letting life and all the good stuff that goes with it pass me by. When I was driving to work tonight, I started thinking about the fact that my baby is 6 years old! DID YOU HEAR THAT?? 6 YEARS OLD! I've been blessed to be her mommy for 6 wonderful years.....6 years that have literally flown by. F-L-O-W-N-B-Y!!! I'm never going to get those days back. All the snuggles, and stories, and laughs, and highs, and lows, and all things in between...they are just memories now. I can't change them, anymore that I can change all the wasted moments. So, where am I going with this....each moment we're given is a blessing. A chance to make a memory. Will it really hurt anything if those dishes in the sink don't get done because you're playing candyland with your daughter. Or, so what if the shower could use a good scrubbing, but your spending precious moment just "catching up", cuddled under the covers with the one you love!! None, of that stuff matters. Now, don't get me wrong....I'm not an advocate for nastiness, but I am most certainly an advocate for taking advantage of the time the Lord gives you. A very wise friend of mine has coined the term, "what's it going to matter in a hundred years anyway?" You know, he's right. Some of the things that we make "priorities" aren't worth worrying about. When you're 85 and looking back on your life are you going to lament all the dirty dishes, or laundry that got backed up? Nope, you'll regret the moments that you wasted, that you could have used to make beautiful memories.
So, WinterJam here I come....and Go Patriots (even if I'm wearing dirty socks, and growing my own penicillin!!). That light I see, may be a train...but I headed towards it, full speed ahead, with no hesitation! :)
Friday, January 27, 2012
8 hours...
You would think that I'd be used to shipping my husband off for days or weeks at a time. Truth is, in a weird way, I am. Don't take that the wrong way. I hate it! But, I spend the days and weeks before preparing myself (heart and mind) for what I'll have to face alone. By the time the day comes, I'm ready for it. Greg's been gone for the last week to a supervisor's class at The North Carolina Justice Academy in Salemburg, NC. For some reason, this week was harder on Hannah than any we've faced yet. She's cried a lot. Cried for her daddy, cried herself to sleep, and cried even when she didn't know why she was crying. That's hard for a mommy. To top it all off, we just teased her with her daddy last night :/
Greg got home from Salemburg about 9:30 last night (after her normal bedtime, but I made an allowance). It was great to have him home, but he was set to leave for another 4 days with the NCARNG at 5:30am this morning. That gave us 8 hours!! Just 8 hours to make up for a lost week, to mend little broken hearts, and to prepare those same hearts for a long weekend without daddy. I didn't know how it would happen, or what we would do to try to make the best of the time we had, while still making sure that we slept :/ We did the only thing we knew how to do. We threw our PJs on, all crawled in Hannah's bed along with yellow blankie, a happy napper, and 2 pillow pets, said our prayers, and fell asleep in eachothers arms. That's how you make the best of 8 hours, when thats all you have!!
So, Greg's off on another "adventure" again, and Hannah and I are left at home. Unfortunately I work 6 out of the next 7 nights starting tonight! :/ I told my charge nurse that she must have misunderstood me when I said I was willing to work "OVERtime". I think she thought I said I would work "ALL THE TIME"! Big difference! By the time my next set of days off rolls around, I'll be exhausted. Too bad! Thats a big weekend! WinterJam on Saturday and The Super Bowl on Sunday (Go Patriots!!). I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead!
Greg got home from Salemburg about 9:30 last night (after her normal bedtime, but I made an allowance). It was great to have him home, but he was set to leave for another 4 days with the NCARNG at 5:30am this morning. That gave us 8 hours!! Just 8 hours to make up for a lost week, to mend little broken hearts, and to prepare those same hearts for a long weekend without daddy. I didn't know how it would happen, or what we would do to try to make the best of the time we had, while still making sure that we slept :/ We did the only thing we knew how to do. We threw our PJs on, all crawled in Hannah's bed along with yellow blankie, a happy napper, and 2 pillow pets, said our prayers, and fell asleep in eachothers arms. That's how you make the best of 8 hours, when thats all you have!!
So, Greg's off on another "adventure" again, and Hannah and I are left at home. Unfortunately I work 6 out of the next 7 nights starting tonight! :/ I told my charge nurse that she must have misunderstood me when I said I was willing to work "OVERtime". I think she thought I said I would work "ALL THE TIME"! Big difference! By the time my next set of days off rolls around, I'll be exhausted. Too bad! Thats a big weekend! WinterJam on Saturday and The Super Bowl on Sunday (Go Patriots!!). I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead!
Monday, January 23, 2012
If I didn't have bad luck....
I would have no luck at all!!! Atleast that's the way I've been feeling lately. Don't me wrong!! I see this last week for what it is. A (poor) attempt by Satan to get my focus of my relationship with the Lord. Ha....that old Devil has some nice tricks up his sleeve, but ya know what...my Jesus said "I have OVERCOME" and through Him, so can I. The junk thrown my way the last week, is just that....JUNK.
In the last week we've faced another fertility let down, I wrecked my truck, Greg had to go out of town for a week, and to top it all off this morning I did a number on my back at work. As bad as it hurt, I just had to laugh at it. For a brief moment I wanted to thrown in the towel, but you know what....I didn't!! I took a deep breath, giggled a little, and recognized it for what it was!! Listen Devil....incase you haven't read the last chapters....YOU LOSE!! If God is for me, who can be against me?? NEWS FLASH....NOT YOU!
On another note. The Giants and the Patriots are headed to the Superbowl!! That is shaping up to be a pretty awesome weekend. WinterJam Saturday night followed by the Superbowl Sunday! I'll admit....I'm excited. Good fun, and good friends. Just what a girl needs!
So, I'm back to work tonight and then off for a couple. I'm excited. Some quality time with just me and my Hannah, plus we get to go to church on Wednesday night for the first time in FOREVER!!! I miss that mid-week pick me up and even more than that, I miss having Hannah active with the children's choir. One of the blessing that will come out of Greg's upcoming deplyoment is I'll be working only Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Freeing up all my Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings so Hannah and I can be active and worship together. You see....even things that aren't so great can hold little blessings from the Lord!
In the last week we've faced another fertility let down, I wrecked my truck, Greg had to go out of town for a week, and to top it all off this morning I did a number on my back at work. As bad as it hurt, I just had to laugh at it. For a brief moment I wanted to thrown in the towel, but you know what....I didn't!! I took a deep breath, giggled a little, and recognized it for what it was!! Listen Devil....incase you haven't read the last chapters....YOU LOSE!! If God is for me, who can be against me?? NEWS FLASH....NOT YOU!
On another note. The Giants and the Patriots are headed to the Superbowl!! That is shaping up to be a pretty awesome weekend. WinterJam Saturday night followed by the Superbowl Sunday! I'll admit....I'm excited. Good fun, and good friends. Just what a girl needs!
So, I'm back to work tonight and then off for a couple. I'm excited. Some quality time with just me and my Hannah, plus we get to go to church on Wednesday night for the first time in FOREVER!!! I miss that mid-week pick me up and even more than that, I miss having Hannah active with the children's choir. One of the blessing that will come out of Greg's upcoming deplyoment is I'll be working only Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Freeing up all my Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings so Hannah and I can be active and worship together. You see....even things that aren't so great can hold little blessings from the Lord!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Today....
Today was supposed to be the day we'd been waiting on. The offical end of the horrid two week wait. The day I was again supposed to pee on that tiny stick, wait my three minutes, and then catch a glimpse of the amazing site of 2 little blue lines. The day I was supposed to cry and tell my hubby "we're pregnant!" The day I was supposed to fall to my knees in praises for answered prayers. The day I got to tell my Hannah that Jesus had heard her prayers for a baby brother or sister and soon she would be a big sister. The day I was supposed to run to my moms, stick in hand, just so she could get a look at that amazing little stick that was set to change our life. This was supposed to be THE DAY. THE DAY EVERYTHING CHANGED!! Well, it isn't. My period started last night. :(
So, what's today now? Today is the day I wake up way to0 early, from a sleep I cried myself into. Today is the day that tears come unexpectedly, and are unable to be stopped. Today is the day that I try my very best to hide my brokeness from those around me. Today's the day that I force myself to put on the face of "faith" when my heart is screaming something else. Today is the day I search for some kind of answers, rationalization, and peace....but they don't easily come. Today is the day that this whole mess starts over again. Another month of roller coaster emotions begins today. Today is the day that I'm out of words to pray. The only thing left are the groanings of my heart and the ability to whisper the name Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....Today is the day that I log on to Facebook and see the status update of three friends announcing their good news and while I want so badly to be happy for them, I can't! I just can't. Today is the day of many questions, and no answers. Today is the day I'll have to tell my husband that this month wasn't our month. Today is that day.....and I don't wanna face it!
So, what do I do now (other than sit here, type, and cry)? I do what I've done 31 cycles before. I throw myself a massive pity party, and attend it alone. I cry, and pray, and whine, and eat (and eat, and Eat, and EAT.....you get the picture), then throw up, I get mad, I say things I shouldn't, I fear our dreams will never come true, I pray some more, eat some more, do my best to hide all this from Greg and Hannah, and then.....I wash my face, call in prescriptions for this months hormones, take ibuprofen (it's safe cause I'm not pregnant) for the massive headache I've given myself, wash a load of laundry, fix breakfast for my family, attend Hannah's ballgame, and attempt to enjoy a much needed day with my little family. I'll do it all, someway, somehow, and with tiny glimpses of praise in my heart. You see, in the end, my God is good. I know there's a plan a purpose behind this season of my life. He's using it somehow....He's using me somehow...I just can't see it through the tears. So today starts cycle day #1. Here we go again
So, what's today now? Today is the day I wake up way to0 early, from a sleep I cried myself into. Today is the day that tears come unexpectedly, and are unable to be stopped. Today is the day that I try my very best to hide my brokeness from those around me. Today's the day that I force myself to put on the face of "faith" when my heart is screaming something else. Today is the day I search for some kind of answers, rationalization, and peace....but they don't easily come. Today is the day that this whole mess starts over again. Another month of roller coaster emotions begins today. Today is the day that I'm out of words to pray. The only thing left are the groanings of my heart and the ability to whisper the name Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....Today is the day that I log on to Facebook and see the status update of three friends announcing their good news and while I want so badly to be happy for them, I can't! I just can't. Today is the day of many questions, and no answers. Today is the day I'll have to tell my husband that this month wasn't our month. Today is that day.....and I don't wanna face it!
So, what do I do now (other than sit here, type, and cry)? I do what I've done 31 cycles before. I throw myself a massive pity party, and attend it alone. I cry, and pray, and whine, and eat (and eat, and Eat, and EAT.....you get the picture), then throw up, I get mad, I say things I shouldn't, I fear our dreams will never come true, I pray some more, eat some more, do my best to hide all this from Greg and Hannah, and then.....I wash my face, call in prescriptions for this months hormones, take ibuprofen (it's safe cause I'm not pregnant) for the massive headache I've given myself, wash a load of laundry, fix breakfast for my family, attend Hannah's ballgame, and attempt to enjoy a much needed day with my little family. I'll do it all, someway, somehow, and with tiny glimpses of praise in my heart. You see, in the end, my God is good. I know there's a plan a purpose behind this season of my life. He's using it somehow....He's using me somehow...I just can't see it through the tears. So today starts cycle day #1. Here we go again
Monday, January 16, 2012
Catching up a little! :)
It's been a while since I was here, so I guess it's time to catch up a little bit. So, as detailed in my last post, I had my fallopian tube catheterization on Jan 4th. After that we were set to do the "baby dance" which we did. We did our first "unblocked" round of IUI on Saturday. All of the numbers looked good. I had 3 follicles. 19cm, 23 cm, and 11cm with the largest being on the right side. My endometrium was perfect, and Greg's specimen had 42,000 good sperm. The odds seemed in our favor. The procedure went well, no real issues, and it was no more uncomfortable than a pap smear (which compared to what I've experience lately, is a breeze). Dr. Yalcinkaya said for us to "baby dance" the following day, and we can take our pregnancy test on Saturday, Jan 21st. That started the dreaded two week wait!!!
The TWW is HORRIBLE. Well, at least it is for me. There are so many questions, and my hopes are so high! I start allowing myself to think of baby names, and look at maternity clothes. I calculate due dates and what that would mean in comparison with Greg's upcoming deployment. I literally live the entire 2 weeks on pins and needles. Praying, praying, and praying non-stop that this is FINALLY the month that we get good news, and praying that if it's not I can somehow manage to brave my way through another disappointment. It's Monday, Jan 16th now. 5 more days until I test. Maybe I can stay sane until then....I'm hoping for the best ;)
Lets see, what else....Report card day!!! I've always thought that Hannah was smart. She's been bragged on numerous times, and at our last parent teacher conference she was right on target. Somehow over the last semester there has been a big disconnect. She went from "right on target" to "lagging behind"! NOPE!! Not acceptable. Now, I'm not one of those parents that's going to demand perfection, but I know she can do better. My guess is that she's sensing some of the stresses that are going on in her dad and my life, and they are affecting her school work. I asked her about test day, and she said "I just forgot my words". We have gone over them 100s of times since and she gets them (all except confusing want and went) every time. I'm choosing to pick it up a notch from my end, and see what the next semester brings. I feel confident that we can catch up!
In a feeble attempt to get my mind of the TWW, and to take my friend Lauren out to celebrate her upcoming wedding, I planned a ladies night out with some of my awesome co-workers. We headed to Greensboro to The Melting Pot, Friday night and it was AWESOME!!! 3 hours of non-stop fondueing (I don't think that's a real word) and fun with some of my very favorite people. It was amazing. For a moment, the TWW wasn't consuming me. Too bad I can't fondue my way into next weekend...lol.
I guess that's about it for now. Hopefully the next time I write it will be to announce that we're finally preggo! Fingers crossed!!
The TWW is HORRIBLE. Well, at least it is for me. There are so many questions, and my hopes are so high! I start allowing myself to think of baby names, and look at maternity clothes. I calculate due dates and what that would mean in comparison with Greg's upcoming deployment. I literally live the entire 2 weeks on pins and needles. Praying, praying, and praying non-stop that this is FINALLY the month that we get good news, and praying that if it's not I can somehow manage to brave my way through another disappointment. It's Monday, Jan 16th now. 5 more days until I test. Maybe I can stay sane until then....I'm hoping for the best ;)
Lets see, what else....Report card day!!! I've always thought that Hannah was smart. She's been bragged on numerous times, and at our last parent teacher conference she was right on target. Somehow over the last semester there has been a big disconnect. She went from "right on target" to "lagging behind"! NOPE!! Not acceptable. Now, I'm not one of those parents that's going to demand perfection, but I know she can do better. My guess is that she's sensing some of the stresses that are going on in her dad and my life, and they are affecting her school work. I asked her about test day, and she said "I just forgot my words". We have gone over them 100s of times since and she gets them (all except confusing want and went) every time. I'm choosing to pick it up a notch from my end, and see what the next semester brings. I feel confident that we can catch up!
In a feeble attempt to get my mind of the TWW, and to take my friend Lauren out to celebrate her upcoming wedding, I planned a ladies night out with some of my awesome co-workers. We headed to Greensboro to The Melting Pot, Friday night and it was AWESOME!!! 3 hours of non-stop fondueing (I don't think that's a real word) and fun with some of my very favorite people. It was amazing. For a moment, the TWW wasn't consuming me. Too bad I can't fondue my way into next weekend...lol.
I guess that's about it for now. Hopefully the next time I write it will be to announce that we're finally preggo! Fingers crossed!!
Friday, January 6, 2012
How it went....
Well, when I last typed I mentioned having the fallopian tube catheterization. It went on, as planned on Wednesday. I wish I could say that it was a piece of cake, but it wasn't. Of course, if my body is involved, there are going to be issues and in classic Bre style it happened again.
It started when the nurse COULD NOT HIT MY VEIN to start an IV. Now, don't get me wrong....I am by no means fussing. I know how bad of a stick I am, and as a nurse I can honestly say I wouldn't want to stick me...lol! After who knows how many attempts my IV was finally going. Anesthesiology came and talked to me, and after about an hours wait it was my turn in the stirrups!
I was literally whisked away to the OR and my procedure started within 2 minutes. Now, the problem was, Dr. Yalcinkaya started with his end before the anesthesiologist was able to give me the drugs. Oh well, I can handle it, right???? WRONG!! HOLY COW IT HURT!!! The last 2 procedures (HSGs) hurt pretty bad, so I knew when I was feeling the pain with this one that it was going to be worse. It only made sense that it would. I got my first dose of meds, and I am pretty sure between them and the pain from the procedure I attempted to pass out again!! I woke up pretty quick this time with a B/P of 63/49 (I really should have never looked at the machine). The pain sucked...I yelled....Dr. Yalcinkaya asked for more meds....the anesthesiologist said NO (thank you low blood pressure). I knew I was in for a pretty rough few minutes.
With the help of a super sweet male nurse (I think his name was Tom....I really wish I could remember) who talked me through it and held my hand, some extra O2, a couple cold wash cloths, and some out loud prayers I made it through. Both of my fallopian tubes were blocked, the left worse than the right (which is quite ironic since my ultrasound prior to the procedure showed that I had 2 great looking follicles....ON MY LEFT OVARY). On my way back to the recovery room, I passed out again.....UGH!! I really wish I could get that in check. I feel like such a wuss when I do it. PANSY!!!
After about an hour in recovery I was headed home. Hurting, but headed home! I slept pretty much the rest of the day. I woke up the next morning, feeling like I'd been punched in the gut (a couple times). It hurt to stand up straight, but today I'm good!!! Ready to make a baby. We had no "restrictions," so we could start with the baby making ASAP. We're scheduled for another IUI (intrauterine insemination) in the morning.
I finally feel like I can breathe! There's no reason now for us not to get preggo. The PCOS is in check, I'm ovulating beautifully, Greg's sperm are a-ok, my fallopian tubes are open....we should be "good to go"!!! I sure could us some prayers, prayers, and more prayers. I'm anxiously excited. It's hard not to be. As Greg and I were laying in bed last night we were so excited and hopeful that we couldn't help but talk about baby names. It's been a while since we allowed ourselves to talk about that. I just feel like the Lord isn't going to give us this joint desire to grow our family, without following through and allowing us to do so. We're ready Lord, seeking your blessings, trusting in your timing, believing in your promises, and loving you no matter the circumstances!!
On to tomorrow.....could it be the day??
It started when the nurse COULD NOT HIT MY VEIN to start an IV. Now, don't get me wrong....I am by no means fussing. I know how bad of a stick I am, and as a nurse I can honestly say I wouldn't want to stick me...lol! After who knows how many attempts my IV was finally going. Anesthesiology came and talked to me, and after about an hours wait it was my turn in the stirrups!
I was literally whisked away to the OR and my procedure started within 2 minutes. Now, the problem was, Dr. Yalcinkaya started with his end before the anesthesiologist was able to give me the drugs. Oh well, I can handle it, right???? WRONG!! HOLY COW IT HURT!!! The last 2 procedures (HSGs) hurt pretty bad, so I knew when I was feeling the pain with this one that it was going to be worse. It only made sense that it would. I got my first dose of meds, and I am pretty sure between them and the pain from the procedure I attempted to pass out again!! I woke up pretty quick this time with a B/P of 63/49 (I really should have never looked at the machine). The pain sucked...I yelled....Dr. Yalcinkaya asked for more meds....the anesthesiologist said NO (thank you low blood pressure). I knew I was in for a pretty rough few minutes.
With the help of a super sweet male nurse (I think his name was Tom....I really wish I could remember) who talked me through it and held my hand, some extra O2, a couple cold wash cloths, and some out loud prayers I made it through. Both of my fallopian tubes were blocked, the left worse than the right (which is quite ironic since my ultrasound prior to the procedure showed that I had 2 great looking follicles....ON MY LEFT OVARY). On my way back to the recovery room, I passed out again.....UGH!! I really wish I could get that in check. I feel like such a wuss when I do it. PANSY!!!
After about an hour in recovery I was headed home. Hurting, but headed home! I slept pretty much the rest of the day. I woke up the next morning, feeling like I'd been punched in the gut (a couple times). It hurt to stand up straight, but today I'm good!!! Ready to make a baby. We had no "restrictions," so we could start with the baby making ASAP. We're scheduled for another IUI (intrauterine insemination) in the morning.
I finally feel like I can breathe! There's no reason now for us not to get preggo. The PCOS is in check, I'm ovulating beautifully, Greg's sperm are a-ok, my fallopian tubes are open....we should be "good to go"!!! I sure could us some prayers, prayers, and more prayers. I'm anxiously excited. It's hard not to be. As Greg and I were laying in bed last night we were so excited and hopeful that we couldn't help but talk about baby names. It's been a while since we allowed ourselves to talk about that. I just feel like the Lord isn't going to give us this joint desire to grow our family, without following through and allowing us to do so. We're ready Lord, seeking your blessings, trusting in your timing, believing in your promises, and loving you no matter the circumstances!!
On to tomorrow.....could it be the day??
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
On the fertility front....
Big day tomorrow. As you may have guessed by the description of the blog, I've been dealt the diagnosis of "infertility." It does not define me, but it has changed me a bit. Long story short, Greg and I've been trying to concieve (TTC) since August of 2009. 30 cycles this month. I've been diagnosed, misdiagnosed, and then diagnosed again. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and now we know that both my fallopian tubes are blocked. This journey has been long, frustrating, irritating, faith building, faith crushing, inspiring, depressing, and just about every emotion rolled into one!!! Tomorrow though, is a new day in our journey. A procedure that will hoepfully FINALLY make it possible for us to conceive. I'm having a cannulation. It's kinda like a cardiac cath for my fallopian tubes. They'll sedate me, send the cath up to the correct spot :D, clear the blockage, and all will be well (hopefully). I sure could use some prayers tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but I know that God's holding me in his hand. The story of the footprints comes to mind here....I have no doubt the footprints in the sand tomorrow will not be mine....they are His, because I am being carried!!! Wish us luck! :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
Lesson to learn in everything!!!
I posted this on my facebook page as my New Years Resolution.....
My "resolution" this year ~ To love like He does, serve like He did. Complain less, talk positively about others, reserve judgment, see people for their potential, reach out to the hurting, to love like crazy and live for others. Lord, help me to love others like I love my Hannah. To love like you love me. Help me not to take a minute for granted, help me to LIVE and LOVE like you do. Give me... the passion, strength, and courage to be drastic, serve others, and to really make a difference. I want to be different, Lord! I want to be the opptosite of what so many have come to hate about "Christians". I don't want to be judmental, negative, hopeless, hypocritical, or stingy. Lord, give me ideas, inspiration, and the ability to be who you are calling me to be....to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world. I want to help bring Your water to a dry and thirsty land. A light in the darkness. I want to share hope with the hopeless. I want to show my little girl what it means to be a true follower of Christ, a disciple. I don't want to be a hatemonger, a fearmonger, or a hypocrite. I want to love unconditionally, serve without expectation, give generously. I want to live like my money is not mine, my things are not mine, my life is not mine. Please help me to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, nurse, and person you've called me to be. NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE WAITING!! Your love is overwhelming. The hope you offer is priceless. Your good news is too awesome not to share. I want to live and love like Jesus. Give me Your eyes and heart. Here I am Lord, send me!!
All that is true. That is the person I want to be, that I desire to be. The problem is, all that is not who I am. My flesh is ridiculously weak!!! I posted that and left for work. That night was a rough one. Most nurses know that sometimes, your shifts on the hall can be HARD. Physically, mentally, emotionally....just HARD. Well, it turns out that the first night of 2012 was just that! I had one paitent in particular that, (thanks to HIPAA) I'll call "Miss Faith". I've known Miss Faith for a while. Super sweet lady, with a super sweet family. I <3 her! Unfortunately Miss Faith has had more than a minor change in mental status. Confused doesn't even begin to describe her. I swear if I went in her room once, I went 2 dozen (no exaggeration). In her confused state Miss Faith was a handful. She pulled her IV out 3 times, unhooked and threw important medical equipment in the floor, unspiked one of her IV bags and put the tubing in her cup of water!! ALL NIGHT LONG I wrestled with Miss Faith. Around 6:15 I went to check on her and found her naked, with her heart monitor pulled off and out of the wall, and bleeding from yet another pulled out IV site!! UGH!! I'd had it!! "Miss Faith....we've talked about this!! You can't keep doing this!! I'm trying my best to take care of you and you're doing nothing but making it way harder than it should be. Can't you just listen to me!!!" I cleaned her up, started another IV, and reported her off to day shift!! I was done (atleast for 12 hours) with Miss Faith.
As I was saying my prayers before bed, I had one of those "ah ha moments". The ones where you can almost audibly hear the Lord speaking to you! My night hadn't been just another night shift....there was a lesson in it for me. I've admitted my flesh is weak, and my resolution really is the person I want to be. God allowed me to have my night with Miss Faith to teach me a lesson. Am I not just like Miss Faith? Continually, over and over again, screwing things up, when the Lord is trying his best to take care of me. I keep fighting, messing, pulling, and tugging, making it harder than it needs to be!!!! You see, the difference is Jesus hasn't lost his patience with me, and he hasn't reported me off yet. As I was praying, I heard Him loud and clear. Proof positive, that the Lord can and will use what we think are our day to day lives to teach us, if we're just receptive to the lesson! Alright Lord.....message received!! :)
My "resolution" this year ~ To love like He does, serve like He did. Complain less, talk positively about others, reserve judgment, see people for their potential, reach out to the hurting, to love like crazy and live for others. Lord, help me to love others like I love my Hannah. To love like you love me. Help me not to take a minute for granted, help me to LIVE and LOVE like you do. Give me... the passion, strength, and courage to be drastic, serve others, and to really make a difference. I want to be different, Lord! I want to be the opptosite of what so many have come to hate about "Christians". I don't want to be judmental, negative, hopeless, hypocritical, or stingy. Lord, give me ideas, inspiration, and the ability to be who you are calling me to be....to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world. I want to help bring Your water to a dry and thirsty land. A light in the darkness. I want to share hope with the hopeless. I want to show my little girl what it means to be a true follower of Christ, a disciple. I don't want to be a hatemonger, a fearmonger, or a hypocrite. I want to love unconditionally, serve without expectation, give generously. I want to live like my money is not mine, my things are not mine, my life is not mine. Please help me to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, nurse, and person you've called me to be. NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE WAITING!! Your love is overwhelming. The hope you offer is priceless. Your good news is too awesome not to share. I want to live and love like Jesus. Give me Your eyes and heart. Here I am Lord, send me!!
All that is true. That is the person I want to be, that I desire to be. The problem is, all that is not who I am. My flesh is ridiculously weak!!! I posted that and left for work. That night was a rough one. Most nurses know that sometimes, your shifts on the hall can be HARD. Physically, mentally, emotionally....just HARD. Well, it turns out that the first night of 2012 was just that! I had one paitent in particular that, (thanks to HIPAA) I'll call "Miss Faith". I've known Miss Faith for a while. Super sweet lady, with a super sweet family. I <3 her! Unfortunately Miss Faith has had more than a minor change in mental status. Confused doesn't even begin to describe her. I swear if I went in her room once, I went 2 dozen (no exaggeration). In her confused state Miss Faith was a handful. She pulled her IV out 3 times, unhooked and threw important medical equipment in the floor, unspiked one of her IV bags and put the tubing in her cup of water!! ALL NIGHT LONG I wrestled with Miss Faith. Around 6:15 I went to check on her and found her naked, with her heart monitor pulled off and out of the wall, and bleeding from yet another pulled out IV site!! UGH!! I'd had it!! "Miss Faith....we've talked about this!! You can't keep doing this!! I'm trying my best to take care of you and you're doing nothing but making it way harder than it should be. Can't you just listen to me!!!" I cleaned her up, started another IV, and reported her off to day shift!! I was done (atleast for 12 hours) with Miss Faith.
As I was saying my prayers before bed, I had one of those "ah ha moments". The ones where you can almost audibly hear the Lord speaking to you! My night hadn't been just another night shift....there was a lesson in it for me. I've admitted my flesh is weak, and my resolution really is the person I want to be. God allowed me to have my night with Miss Faith to teach me a lesson. Am I not just like Miss Faith? Continually, over and over again, screwing things up, when the Lord is trying his best to take care of me. I keep fighting, messing, pulling, and tugging, making it harder than it needs to be!!!! You see, the difference is Jesus hasn't lost his patience with me, and he hasn't reported me off yet. As I was praying, I heard Him loud and clear. Proof positive, that the Lord can and will use what we think are our day to day lives to teach us, if we're just receptive to the lesson! Alright Lord.....message received!! :)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A New Beginning....
Well, this sure is a long time coming. I actually created this blog MONTHS ago, with the intention of using it as a sounding board and a safe place to go vent. The night I created I was so frustrated (with what, now I can't even remember). I tried to upload a video of Francesca Battistelli's song "This Is The Stuff" (hint, hint) and it was taking FOREVER!!! After about 30 minutes of this YouTube video attempting to load, I gave up....closed the lap top....and haven't came back here since. Today, being January 1st, I thought there was no time better than to start again. I've got lots of plans for myself this new year. I wanna lose 100lbs (wish me luck on that one), and really work on my relationship with the Lord. 2012 promises to be a very trying year for the Anderson's. My hubby leaves for a years deployment in May, and Hannah and I will face this world together. I know that there will be absolutely no way that we'll make it without the mercy and strength that only comes from the Lord!! So, if you're reading this and you are the least bit intrigued in the day to day life of an wife, mommy, daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, and nurse who is trying to balance overtime, church, infertility treatments and a looming deployment, all while growing as a person and in the Lord, and dropping a few (read 100) pounds in the meantime, then stick around. I'm sure things are about to get interesting!!
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